Sunday, October 09, 2005

a whole lotta words that say nothing at all

I don't like using this space as a place to vent about things, but I haven't written much and I've been feeling like crap for nearly a week. Physically and mentally. I'm just drained. I haven't adjusted to this semester as well as I feel I should have, but all those who know me also know that I am a perfectionist and a rather harsh critic of myself. Really, I am doing well. Especially considering I went from doing absolutely NOTHING all day, 7 days a week to: a new job, my second semester of teaching, and 3 grad classes of my own, alongside some other random tasks like being on the Editorial board of Columbia Poetry Review and organizing a composition teaching retreat. Another big task I am supposed to accomplish this semester is putting together my teaching portfolio, so I can keep on teaching. Well yeah, I am wading through things, I am getting things done, not always to the degree my personal criteria, but things are getting done. I really need to learn that sometimes that's good enough.

Anyway, last week I finally broke. After suffering a migraine for two days I took a day off. I was actually halfway to campus when I realized I couldn't make it. It was actually a delayed train that made me realize this. Even if I had tried to go all the way to school I would be at least ten minutes late and my students surely would have left, assuming I wasn't going to show. So I called in sick, for everything. I came home, and tried to relax. I got a little nap in, in the afternoon, but all I could think about was all the work I wasn't getting done. Uggh. Anyway, in the evening Sean came to the rescue and went out to buy me lots of medication. I was out quick and slept more than I had all week. The next day the headache had at least subsided, but I still could barely do anything, probably a side effect of all the NyQuil and Tylenol PM. Anyway, I have slowly regained my energy. My head (brain) is still a little cloudy from all the worries I have about getting things done, but today I feel so much better.

Yesterday, I had no focus, I got a little down because I just couldn't start on any of my school related duties. So I spent the whole day cleaning and rearranging my apartment. I had been wanting to do so since the beginning of school. (Ever since I was strong enough to move my own furniture I have had this need to rearrange things, both in the spring and the fall, I thrive on change. Seriously, if I could migrate I would). Anyway, I got to a point last night when I thought I had made huge mistakes, wasted so much energy moving my bookshelves to the other side of the room for nothing. My living room felt and looked worse than when I began. I felt totally hopeless, a familiar feeling. But I figured I just better push through, finish up and if I need to move things again I can always do it next weekend. Well, I did it. And I actually like it. There is this giant blank wall, which was the reason I was doubting my new arrangement, it felt so unbalanced. But now that the rest of the room is in order, I rather like it. I can't promise it will stay blank, but for now it suits me. And once the living room was in order I got the kitchen cleaned, a beast I haven't faced in far too long.

Then, I chilled out and a while and fell asleep to Art in the 21st Century, which always makes me wish I was working with objects and color and concepts rather than words. I swear to god I will create Lego poetry, just for me and my sanity.

I woke up feeling great. I watched a couple of episodes (season4) of Six Feet Under while revising my composition syllabus, then moved to my newly rearranged living room to begin work. I turned on the stereo and jumped/danced around to Rilo Kiley for a while. I punched out some words on the old typewriter and now this. For now I feel great. I feel like I can get through the week. I still feel a little sick--boo. But mentally, I've gotten through the worst of it. I wish all of this school stuff was as easy to cope with as cleaning and rearranging, I know what to do with that kind of crisis. Anyway I am going to keep on going now. Lots to do. . .


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