blarbity blar

So, it's been about a week since I last posted, just thought I would update. I am alive, both my foot and eye have gotten better. And I got the paper from hell back, graded. Somehow I managed a decent grade, and actually scored above the class average. I really don't know how I did that. I will go on believing that for whatever reason the professor feels bad for me and is giving me some kind of break. Trust me, it was a bad paper. It lacked both direction and support. The little bit of outside support it had felt pasted in for the sake of having some outside resources. It was awful. I know it had the potential of being a really good paper, but at best it was a first draft. (it really was a first draft). grrr. You're probably all wondering why I continue to complain. . . But, I mean, if I continue to get good grades even when I wait until the day before these papers are due, how will I ever learn my lesson? I ask you, how? I just don't know.

Now I am working on Milosz, which I really like. What's scarier is that I actually like answering the questions for my weekly assignment. I think it's because there are only half as many to do now, and it's not as daunting a task as it was during the first half of the semester. It feels much more managable and interesting because I can devote more attention and time to each question.

I have a lot of other things to do though, and it is all bogging me down a bit. I think I need to bike and shower, to re-energize myself, because I am really exhausted at the moment.

you say goodbye and i say hello

I have officially completed the Neruda portion of this graduate lit seminar. Blar. I have never been more ashamed of writing such an awful, awful paper. But it's done. So what am I doing now? Well, we have one last night of discussing Neruda tonight and then we move on to Cheslaw Milosz.

I have flagged all the poems that we are discussing for the rest of the semester and written down the questions I have to answer for next week's assignment. The trouble with these assingments is that I end up chasing ideas in so many different directions that I can never find a thread that I can follow, you know along with the fact that I just have no time to do so. But somehow, I have to overcome this dilemna, luckily the weekly assignment has been halved in size, phew. That should help a little. I think another problem is that I tend to look at the assignments before I read the poetry, so I end up only looking for specific things in the work. Somehow I need to bind and gag the taskmaster in me who always wants to get busy work out of the way, because she is tripping me up a bit too. Even if it drives me insane and I never have any free time I will find a way to actually do research for my next big paper in advance. I swear. Besides, I get to do a presentation with this one and that always motivates me more than simply writing papers.

In other news, I am loving my craft class. Serial Poem is the best. I heart Jack Spicer and I hearted Nathaniel Mackey too. I love the freedom I feel when I am working on my project, though it's hard to keep my grubby little mfa-er hands off it.

It may just be the fact that I have had little food and no sleep in the last 32 hours, but I am totally pumped about school right now. That just does not seem like the appropriate state of mind after an all-nighter. I think the right state of mind would be comatose. But I do need to make it through night class, so I won't complain.

Plus, the SOX are playing tonight. And since I am the center of the universe they will win, because whomever I cheer for always wins. I love being the center of the universe. life is great and I am effing adorable to boot, so there.


end transmission

I've heard of self-sabbotage, but this is ridiculous

I know I am a clutz. And now I have managed to sustain yet another self-inflicted injury, which is not helping me at all in the process of writing the paper from hell. While scratching my forehead, my finger slipped and scratched my eye. Now I have a headache AND a sore foot. This just sucks. I want to drop my class. Will this paper ever get finished? Even if it sucks I just want it done.

Going Down, Dick Van Dyke style

So I am trying to plug in my dying laptop, print a much needed article for my Neruda paper, and the phone rings. Since I'm waiting for an important phone call--which would hopefully inform me that my car insurance would not be cancelled--I quickly turn from the printer and step toward my ringing phone and my foot lands right on the corner claw of my footstool. This claw is a nice iron post curling upward so, let me tell you it feels great. I of course lose my balance and fall flat on my face. Luckily it was my insurance agent on the phone, so that is all sorted out, though if I ever needed to cry to get sympathy this would have been the best timing. Now I have a lump on the sole of my foot, which is not making writing this paper any easier. Honestly, I'd rather be watching Diagnosis Murder.

Fashion Test

It's funny that this test would come along when it did. I am sure anyone who sees me on a daily basis lately would see the results of this test and fall on the ground laughing. But the truth is, I am pretty stylish when I want to be. And lately, despite the comfort I have been revelling in with all my t-shirts and jeans, I have been itching to dig deeper into my drawers and closets. The cooler weather helps too, I'm not so stylin' when it comes to the summery clothes. I swear, soon, I will be dressing a little classier. I'm hoping to get a haircut too.

Glamorous Soul 58% Tastefulness, 51% Originality, 57% Deliberateness, 61% Sexiness

[Tasteful Original Deliberate Sexy] You choose your outfits carefully according to many criteria. You don't like looking cheap, dull or random and you go to great lengths to avoid this. You are successful, too. People admire your taste and sex appeal. Many try to imitate you but not many can recreate your unique style. Sometimes, however, they find you too intimidating to approach. If you don't wear retro style yet, perhaps you should consider it. It would become greatly your sexy, mysterious self. The opposite style from yours is Fashion Enemy [Flamboyant Conventional Random Prissy]. All the categories: Fashion Enemy Bar Cruiser Kid Next Door Sex Bomb Hippie Kid Fashion Rebel Fashion Artist Catwalk God(ess) Librarian Sporty Hottie Office Master Uptown Girl/ Boy Brainy Student Movie Star Fashionista Glamorous Soul

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 46% on Tastefulness You scored higher than 63% on Originality You scored higher than 66% on Deliberateness You scored higher than 86% on Sexiness

Link: The Fashion Style Test written by mari-e on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

even more random facts

First best friend: Katie McDowell
First car: Chevy Astro Mini-cargo van, white, no windows, great for kidnappings
First kiss: 14 years old, Brad Johnson(no relation), in the East High Auditorium during a school assembly
First break-up: Brad Johnson, two weeks later in the East High big gym, during another assembly
First screen name: Phrogrrl
First self bought album: I am pretty sure it was The Monkees, but I don't remember which album
First funeral: That I remember, Great Grandpa Shepard
First pets: Gus, my trusty dalmatian
First piercing/tattoo: none
First credit card: Visa
First enemy: some kid on my soccer team in fourth grade, he was making fun of my boyfriend so I beat him up
First big trip: Disney World, age 5
First musician you remember hearing in your house: hahaha, Barry Manilow, hahahahahaha, my babysitter Mindy was playing "Mandy"
Last cigarette: I don't remember exactly when, but it was a coupla years ago
Last car ride: Sunday night, Frank's been happily parked right outside my front door since
Last Hookup: Sean
Last good cry: last Monday when doing my Neruda homework, it wasn't "good" though
Last movie seen: "The Baxter"
Last beverage drink: Mt Dew
Last food consumed: Cheerios
Last phone call: Sean, last night before the game
Last time showered: 2 hours ago
Last shoes worn: blue suede Sugar tennies with the rainbow platforms
Last cd played: Rilo Kiley, More Adventurous
Last item bought: other than food, some t-shirts and bras at Kohl's
Last time wanting to die: Last Monday while doing my Neruda homework
Last website visited: Sean's livejournal, where I found this great way to procrastinate

more about me than even i want to know

1) Bold what is true about you.

2) Italicize what you wish was true about you.

3) Add one true thing about you to the end of the list.

4) Tag five LJ friends

-I miss somebody right now.
-I don't watch much TV these days.
-I own lots of books.
-I wear glasses or contact lenses.
-I love to play video games.
-I've tried marijuana.
-I've watched porn movies.
-I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
-I believe honesty is usually always the best policy.
-I curse sometimes.
-I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
-I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
-I have broken someone's bones.
-I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
-I hate the rain.
-I'm paranoid at times.
-I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
-I need/want money right now.
-I love sushi.
-I talk really, really fast.
-I have fresh breath in the morning.
-I have long hair.
-I have lost money in Las Vegas.
-I have at least one sibling.
-I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
-I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
-I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
-I like the way that I look.
-I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.
-I am usually pessimistic.
-I have a lot of mood swings.
-I think prostitution should be legalized.
-I slept with a roommate.
-I have a hidden talent.
-I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
-I have a lot of friends.
-I am currently single.
-I have pecked someone of the same sex.
-I enjoy talking on the phone.
-I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
-I love to shop and/or window shop.
-I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal.
-I don't hate anyone. I dislike them.
-I'm a pretty good dancer.
-I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
-I have a cell phone.
-I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
-I've rejected someone before.
-I currently like /love someone.
-I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
-I want to have children in the future.
-I have changed a diaper before.
-I've called the cops on a friend before.
-I'm not allergic to anything.
-I have a lot to learn.
-I am shy around the opposite sex.
-I’m online 24/7, even as an away message.
-I have at least 5 away messages saved.
-I have tried alcohol or drugs before.
-I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
-I own the "South Park" movie.
-I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.
-I enjoy some country music.
-I would die for my best friends.
-I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.
-I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
-Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
-I have (")dated(") a close friend's ex.
-I am happy at this moment.
-I’m obsessed with guys.
-Liberal Democrat
-Conservative Republican.
-I am punk rockish.
-I go for older guys/girls, not younger.
-I study for tests most of the time.
-I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I’ve ever met.
-I can work on a car.
-I love my job.
-I am comfortable with who I am right now.
-I have more than just my ears pierced.
-I walk barefoot wherever I can.
-I have jumped off a bridge.
-I love sea turtles.
-I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.
-I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
-I am proficient on a musical instrument.
-I hate office jobs.
-I went to college out of state.
-I am adopted.
-I am a pyro.
-I have thrown up from crying too much.
-I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
-I fall for the worst people and have been hurt every time.
-I adore bright colors.
-I usually like covers better than originals.
-I hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays.
-I can pick up things with my toes
-I can't whistle.
-I have ridden/owned a horse.
-I still have every journal I’ve ever written in.
-I talk in my sleep.
-I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century.
-I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
-I wear a toe ring.
-I have a tattoo.
-I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
-I am a caffeine junkie.
-I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.
-If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.
-I cosplayed or know what cosplaying is.
-I have been to over 15 conventions.
-I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
-I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.
-I'm an artist.
-I am ambidextrous.
-I sleep with so many stuffed animals, I can hardly fit on my bed.
-If it weren't for having to see other people naked, I'd live in a nudist colony.
-I have terrible teeth.
-I hate my toes.
-I did this Meme even though I wasn't tagged by the person who took it before me.
-I have more friends on the internet than in real life.
-I have lived in either three different states or countries.
-I am extremely flexible.
-I love hugs more than kisses.
-I want to own my own business.
-I smoke.
-I spend way too much time on the computer than on anything else.
-Nobody has ever said I'm normal.
-Sad movies, games, fics and the like can cause a trickle of tears every now and then.
-I am proficient in the use of many types firearms and combat weapons.
-I like the way women look in stylized men's suits.
-I don't like it when people are unpleased or seem unpleased with me.
-I have been described as a dreamer or likely to have my head up in the clouds.
-I have played strip poker with someone else before.
-I have had emotional problems for which I have sought professional help.
-I believe in ghosts and the paranormal.
-I can't stand being alone.
-I have at least one obsession at any given time.
-I weigh myself, pee/poo, and then weigh myself again.
-I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment.
-I'm a judgmental asshole.
-I'm a HUGE drama-queen.
-I have traveled on more than one continent.
-I sometimes wish my father would just disappear.
-I need people to tell me I'm good at something in order to feel that I am.
-I am a Libertarian.
-I could speak more than one language.
-I can fall asleep even if the whole room is as noisy as it can be.
-I would rather read than watch TV.
-I like reading fact more than fiction.
-I have pulled an all-nighter on an assignment I was given a month to do.
-I have no piercings.
-I'm afraid everyone will realize I'm a fraud.
-I have spent the night in a train station or other public place.
-I have been so upset over my physical gender that I cried.
-I once spent Christmas completely alone because there was a miscommunication on which parent was supposed to have me that night.
-There have been times when I have wondered "Why was I born?" and may/may not have cried over it.
-I like most animals better than most people.
-I own a collection of retro games consoles.
-The thought of physical exercise makes me shiver.
-I have hit someone with a dead fish.
-I have written/read erotic stories.
-I am compulsively honest.
-I was born with a congenital birth defect that has never been repaired.
-I have danced topless in front of dozens of complete strangers. And not been ashamed.
-I have gone from wishing I was a boy to revelling in being a girl to feeling like a boy again in the span of five minutes, and not cared a whit for my actual sex.
-I am unashamedly bisexual, and have different motivations for my desires for different genders.
-I sometimes won't sleep a whole night or eat a whole day because I forget to.
-I find it impossibe to get to sleep without some kind of music on.
- I'm way too sexual/kinky than most of my sexual partners can handle.
-I dislike milk.
-I obsessively wash my hands.
-I always carry that something significant around with me.
-I listen to more songs in Japanese than in English.
-I am crazy obsessed with making my high school transcript look impressive.
-I had an argument with someone over LiveJournal or Msn who was in the same room as me for over 4 hours.
-I compare myself to others too often.
-I think people look beautiful when they cry.
-I often don't even know how I feel, let alone can explain it.
-I am not Bill Cosby

a whole lotta words that say nothing at all

I don't like using this space as a place to vent about things, but I haven't written much and I've been feeling like crap for nearly a week. Physically and mentally. I'm just drained. I haven't adjusted to this semester as well as I feel I should have, but all those who know me also know that I am a perfectionist and a rather harsh critic of myself. Really, I am doing well. Especially considering I went from doing absolutely NOTHING all day, 7 days a week to: a new job, my second semester of teaching, and 3 grad classes of my own, alongside some other random tasks like being on the Editorial board of Columbia Poetry Review and organizing a composition teaching retreat. Another big task I am supposed to accomplish this semester is putting together my teaching portfolio, so I can keep on teaching. Well yeah, I am wading through things, I am getting things done, not always to the degree my personal criteria, but things are getting done. I really need to learn that sometimes that's good enough.

Anyway, last week I finally broke. After suffering a migraine for two days I took a day off. I was actually halfway to campus when I realized I couldn't make it. It was actually a delayed train that made me realize this. Even if I had tried to go all the way to school I would be at least ten minutes late and my students surely would have left, assuming I wasn't going to show. So I called in sick, for everything. I came home, and tried to relax. I got a little nap in, in the afternoon, but all I could think about was all the work I wasn't getting done. Uggh. Anyway, in the evening Sean came to the rescue and went out to buy me lots of medication. I was out quick and slept more than I had all week. The next day the headache had at least subsided, but I still could barely do anything, probably a side effect of all the NyQuil and Tylenol PM. Anyway, I have slowly regained my energy. My head (brain) is still a little cloudy from all the worries I have about getting things done, but today I feel so much better.

Yesterday, I had no focus, I got a little down because I just couldn't start on any of my school related duties. So I spent the whole day cleaning and rearranging my apartment. I had been wanting to do so since the beginning of school. (Ever since I was strong enough to move my own furniture I have had this need to rearrange things, both in the spring and the fall, I thrive on change. Seriously, if I could migrate I would). Anyway, I got to a point last night when I thought I had made huge mistakes, wasted so much energy moving my bookshelves to the other side of the room for nothing. My living room felt and looked worse than when I began. I felt totally hopeless, a familiar feeling. But I figured I just better push through, finish up and if I need to move things again I can always do it next weekend. Well, I did it. And I actually like it. There is this giant blank wall, which was the reason I was doubting my new arrangement, it felt so unbalanced. But now that the rest of the room is in order, I rather like it. I can't promise it will stay blank, but for now it suits me. And once the living room was in order I got the kitchen cleaned, a beast I haven't faced in far too long.

Then, I chilled out and a while and fell asleep to Art in the 21st Century, which always makes me wish I was working with objects and color and concepts rather than words. I swear to god I will create Lego poetry, just for me and my sanity.

I woke up feeling great. I watched a couple of episodes (season4) of Six Feet Under while revising my composition syllabus, then moved to my newly rearranged living room to begin work. I turned on the stereo and jumped/danced around to Rilo Kiley for a while. I punched out some words on the old typewriter and now this. For now I feel great. I feel like I can get through the week. I still feel a little sick--boo. But mentally, I've gotten through the worst of it. I wish all of this school stuff was as easy to cope with as cleaning and rearranging, I know what to do with that kind of crisis. Anyway I am going to keep on going now. Lots to do. . .

why didn't anyone tell me?

So it wasn't until a month after the fact I was sitting enjoying a great milkshake at Steak 'n' Shake when I was told of Bob Denver's passing. grrr. . . i'm sad. He was one of my favorites. I'd write more but I need to finish explicating Neruda--blah, what a sad sad night.